Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Otto Wittelsbach's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 27th, 2003
5:50 am	Mirrors... Sometimes I stand up in the middle of my room, and I can see it breathe and hear it whisper. This fucking old house has so many stories to tell. Stories of pain, mostly. It was here that my parents marriage broke. It was here that Izzy left me for good. It was here that the first music of my carreer was composed.. ( When you dream about your death...) It was here the last music of my carreer was composed ...(High in the Castle's Tower, Far where the eyes can't reach...) It was here I met my big Love, It was here I destroyed it. It was here that I dreamt, and my heart recovered, It was here that I froze. Broken, hurt. It feels so ethereal, I can hear the house breathing, the energy on the walls, Are they protecting, or torturing? The house I lived during the US years, in Phoenix, was portraited under the song House of the Tears. The house I lived in Flagstaff after running away from Phoenix had the name of Almost Paradise. The house of California, after loosing my Paradise because jealousy was called Refugee. The house I loved the most on my childhood also had a song and a name, And I wonder if the new owners still hear in the night it's walls whispering my name, My emotions carved against the walls. The Craddle. What about this one? I heard the day we leave they will demolish. I almost hope they don't. Will it breathe my name when I am gone? And soothe my dog with my energy when he feels all alone? Traces of me... as if I were important... Here I isolated myself and unlearned the trust. Here I developped and fed my fear of human race, my fear to move on. The Cave. The Tower. My little leftover of joy and my whole life of pain are carved in fire within these walls. I hate it here. Yet, it's safe, it knows me, and I love it. If home is where the heart is, I don't even have a home, since I lost my heart long ago, But this is what I had of closest. Did yo ever feel this before moving? It's almost ethereal... as if you ere seeing things through the mirror. The energy connects with the dimension in the higher state of sense, Ethereal. Eternal. Eternally... For the Eternity. It'll never go away. Current Mood: gloomy (Teardrops?)
Friday, April 25th, 2003
6:44 pm	When Heart and Mind Battle Yesterday my boyfriend literally, even if he didn't realize it, pushed me hard against the wall and I was caught between the cross and the sword. I am not good in taking decisions under pressure so I took a medicine to sleep after loosing my dinner by the way it entered. But in heaven. At least I woke up with some home business idea, that require very low investiment and some of my artistic tallent - only needs Ludwig to be able to drive. What may not be that costy. Pros and cons of STAYING HOME( ...? )</font> Pros and cons of TRAVELLING( ...? )</font> Now, I have people asking me why I need to travel, and others none too friendly such as Yuu asking me "if you need a surgery, why not close your internet service?". I am hoping to answer said questions ( HERE. )</font> These are answers about why I am moving, why I don't have money and why I have been growing cold to the world. My best wishes. Hmmm, I still can wish the best. Maybe I am not an awful loss, yet. PS: Yes, I am travelling. it's the best option, even if it is painful to leave my dog behind. Current Mood: aggravated (Teardrops?)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
4:41 pm	Despair mood: scared music: ... Twelve days for moving from my mom's place. Twelve days for leaving my adored, precious, most beloved Yuki. Twelve days to leave my safe Tower and face a huge and fucking long trip of plane, all alone. I am afraid. I am so fucking afraid. I want to scream. I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!!! It's not like I have ANY say in the matter. Current Mood: scared (Teardrops?)
Monday, April 21st, 2003
4:36 pm	Tears Yay. I found a music set that can bring me to tears. Isn't it great? I want this so much... to cry. Unfortunatelly the sogs tell me the story of my Big Love and my Stage Times. Oh I so love to perform. And Danny, the one who could play my soul, and then dismissed me from my oath to wait for him in the other side. As I pull away and apart from him, I realize that I would wait. Please Danny, touch my spirit, play my soul. Forgive me. Danny, "No matter the distance or time..." "Love's eternal... Eternally... For the eternity..." Current Mood: sad (Teardrops?)
Sunday, April 20th, 2003
4:35 pm	Easter (Sponsored by...) It's Easter. Mom gave me chocolate. Licqueur and crunchie ones, since these are the only kinds I can tolerate - I was never frantic for chocolates, and after Ludwig got so mad about them I got even sicker of them. LOL! More for him. I wish I could give my Chocolates all to him. I forgot what is celebrated on Easter. Too many years far from Christian Tradictions. I went through my LJ friends list today and found out I am loosing them. My LJ friends, I mean. It seems no one is interested in keeping up with me anymore. Ah, fuck it, you know...!!! AGAIN my theory proves me right. I read people's LJs every fucking day. I care enough to read, and give a feedback when they are down. But about me?? people just remove me away from their lists. They don't want to be reading about me. People are mainly fairweather friends. They are by your side as long as you're a happy giddy giggly bitch or as long as you have rivers of money to spend on them. (Or spend on yourself and make them look good for being with you.) When you're sick, poor, and specially, when you're a non-American, they don't give a damn. I remember reading somewhere that Easter is time for Forgiveness. I can't forgive you, just to have you do the same bad things to me. I can't open my heart to you if you're going to hurt me again. Or should I say 'thanks, but no thanks'? I don't want a friend for when i am giggy silly happy and rich ONLY. I want what I give: a friend for ALL the times. The good ones, the bad ones. And if everything works just fine, I'll have you know I won't be a depressing old rag the rest of my life. In fifteen days my life can change from water to rock. I may be able to be happy and strong again pretty soon. Dont come to me and try to befriend me then. I hate hypocrisy. I want someone to keep up with me - ALL the time. I just want a small bit of the much of me I offer for free. Happy easter, if you celebrate it. Because I don't. Current Mood: angry (Teardrops?)
Saturday, April 19th, 2003
4:34 pm	Nothing at all Stupid. I have +90 CDs to carry and I didn't even realize. Gotta buy yet another carrier. I hate myself for being cold, but today I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time... Longing. I missed Phoenix City, the car days (I used to drive, believe me), and the desert places that look like the beach - just there's no sea in the end, just more sand. I missed the life I had. Imagine. I was so beat and mistreated there. It seems time washes away the bad feelings and leave in the memory just the good ones. Steven is in jail... With some luck, next will be you-know-who. But, now that it comes to this, I remember the rare good moments of Steven and not the bad ones. The hugs, the rollerblafding in the park, the nights out where he would flirt with everyone and I was so beautiful all I had to do was to shoot a glance. Boys and girls, in crazy nights in some public restroom, giving myself to insane lust, surround by desire, and excitement. We never fucked, but I would come in my pants just for the moment, the sheer excitement, the utter enjoyment. I knew I was gorgeous by the way people shamelessly flirt with me. And all I needed to do was to wink and shoot my loopside smile, Or give them my dangerous glance whle sucking my finger. Or dance. I get sexy and exciting when I dance - or so I was told. I get excited when i dance, too. Aaaaaahhhh... Yes, please... Some more.... The scent in the air... Safari or Smalto (my perfumes) and some cinnamon essence.. So exciting.... Please, please, I crave for it... I need it... More... make me pant... Dream heart... Dream what I'll never have again. I am tied. I was back then, too. But my boyfriend simply didn't give a damn to me. I was a mere object to show the friends. And I acted like one everytime he would flirt with someone new. I was your doll. A walking and strong willed one. Now I am tied. A relationship, a debt, my honor. I don't enjoy myself anymore, I don't feel gorgeous... I am the image of the apathy. Cold. I am your picture on the wall. A lifeless picture of what I once was, a living portrait of what I miss. And I don't want the shadows of me... I want something new. But I can't have it. Because I am a painting on your wall. A tied paint on the wall. I became your nothing at all, Prisioner of the prision with no wall. I miss my other LJ (this one kinda sucks because it was meant to be for the muck and suddenly it became more personal), Current Mood: listless (Teardrops?)
Friday, April 18th, 2003
4:33 pm	Missing I have been without inspiration to write lately. But I read people's LJs. I don't know what is wrong with people. Healthy, having their jobs, school, a life beyond the screen, possibility to find someone (I don't advise.), and they still find reasons to complain. I get so exasperated when I see them complaining about their stupid steady lives and earning comments, while mine's on a thread and nobody gives me a damn, or read my posts, or... post a word of encouragement. Is it because I grew cold? May be. The only one able to yank feelings from me is my dog. 18 days for another of those long trips and I cry for having to leave... the dog. Mom thinks it's absurd. I do, too, but what can I do... I am blocked, it's the awfullest thing, to try and cry or smile and be unable to. So many things to do, so much stress. I feel awful. Shouldn't I be so excited as before? A flight of 13 hours into a HUGE thing flying in the sky is not what I call miracle from God, but crazyness from humans. Maybe having grown up as the child of a pilot, and a pilot myself, made me aware of the risks this sort of flight has. I know within me everything will be just fine, but I need all the valiums I can get until I arrive. And after that, some luck not to be locked outside the country and have to return in the very same plane and right away. Mom's doing every food I like the most before of my departure. I don't know if I appreciate the care... or if I feel like I was going to the green mile. I know that when i step abroad I'll join the Thin Mile. All my adored extra pounds will disappear in less than a month. I'll be slender, gorgeous, and... and... What for...? What is the sense of life? Work to eat, and pay rent, like an animal? Survive? I would like to say the only thing that makes us different from animals are feelings, but animals have them oo, in a superior and pure level, not stained with mere details like sex, color, religion, and at a deeper level, if we are Americans or not. Most Americans prefer the American bastard rapist and mass murder than anyone else from anywhere in the world who has a decent life, so, it takes either Christ, Saint or Dog to love a fucker like this. In any way, I think I am missing something. Sense of life. Why do we live? Where do *I* belong? Yesterday in the Mall, guys looking at pretty ladies made me want to be a pretty lady in order to get some. Made me want to look a half-decent man to get some, too - from other boys preferably, but it's not like I can choose too much. Then I come to think. Why being loved? I can't love back with half of the capability I once had. Maybe that is why people don't even say hello to me on the LJs. They think I don't care about them. Truth is simple... Do to others what you want them to do to you, everything you do comes back to you. If that is so, if that was true, WHY I haven't got any care? Any love? I cared so much about everyone. Online people, RL people. And I haven't got any back at me. Specially in my moments of need. I miss the one in me who loved and cared. But I am not masochist. Love and care to have none back IS masochism. I became cold after the world I cared about refused to care about me. I have no talent for following Jesus' example. About the Muck life - going just fine. TI is running smooth as we wanted. PoF is growing on my concept. If PHX didn't close their doors so far, I was told, they won't close anymore - lawyers can be discreet sometimes. I miss my friend once known as Night. I miss many things. Such as someone to write me a note and kick my butt for being so cold. Current Mood: frustrated (Teardrops?)
Friday, April 11th, 2003
2:02 am	And Today ^_^ mood: amused music: The Smiths - This Charming Man Don't you just hate not having money to do things you desire? I want a software that costs 189 USD and of course I am not willing to buy. If I had all this money I would keep to my trip, that is comming in some weeks. I started separating my clothing for this trip today, and also today I am going to take my little sister out to dinner. I remember the old times I was at Phoenix Muck. I would say "heck, I can't go out because other people are waiting to RP with me". Nowadays I don't really give a damn. I put RL before everything, specially because probably, if surgery works fine, next time I see my little sister, my short hair will be past my shoulder and she will be 15 years old. And she'll have a gift - either a trip to where I happen to be living at the moment, or I'll come back to wherever she'll happen to be living to throw her the best party in the world. I will try and to have her stay at the nighclub with us guys or something... And since we don't really drink any more than coke, maybe the Judges will grant me the autorization. ^_^ She likes all the same oddities of oldies I like, so I'll get her a 70's and 80's music party, plus the techno we'll probably have in the future... But I know what sort of gift she wants since she was 7. She wants to see my band perform. She loves the musics the censorship refuses to allow in CDs (as Seig Heil & Damned Children) or the musics who reflects my inner pain (Rescue, The House of Tears & Shadows of the Past). I'll have her watch a performance then, from stage line, and come to sing along if I can have her pronunciation of Japanese and German improve some. And that is far easier to grant than have her stay on a nightclub, since I can always perform in the open. Or perform during the day. (What's a pity because the Nuclear Bomb effect isn't as good in daylight.) Damn, I can't wait to step onstage again. And sing. And about me? I still want a Ronald McDonald party. Don't laugh. I'll write more later today. I am uninspired. *Cackles madly* Bet you couldn't tell. Current Mood: amused (Teardrops?)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
1:22 am	Day & Rantings ( The Good Side of Today ) ( The Bad Side of Today ) The Questions of Today Oh God, what do I do? What sort of monster did I become? Why I see the Story of my Ancestors once again running in my daily life? WHAT HAPENED? What hardened me? Why I got so hurt? Why did Sean hurt me? All I did was to love him. Who am I becoming? Questions, questions. No answers. I don't know myself!!! Who's the guy in the mirror?! Not the one who was there 10 years ago. My face didn't age a year. But my soul aged 100 years. A hundred years of pain. Current Mood: tired (Teardrops?)
Monday, April 7th, 2003
1:36 am	Emotions that Hurt There's a kid's play (or game), we play it on the streets. It has a long elastic strip, two kids holding at each side of it, and we have to jump it. what is the name of this game? If you know, please tell me. It's a kid's game on some countries. I had been for 14 years, a computer rat... But 10 ago (I was 16), I had an accident of fate that changed my whole life... and I became really secluded... isolated... dead. Today, I was walking the dog, when my sister of 11 DRAGGED me out to play with her and some friends. So there I was. Erik the isolated man, the nerd, playing cord and elastic with a bunch of kids. X_x And I jumped better than ALL of them despiting my extra pounds!!! ^___^ I was happy. Oh, it was fun... I felt, suddenly, free again... free of my... inner pain, I guess. My mom tells me many times that there's always someone who loves the bad, and the ugly. I think sometimes I am beyond both. Worse than evil itself. Lack of love hurts... But it hurts far more to be loved, adored, worshipped and not be able to return the feeling in the same level. I saw Escaflowne (again), seem like it was the first time. I felt sorry for Allen... always searching for those who he have lost... I wish I could tell him that when you wish something you have lost, When you wish it strong, with all your heart and soul, All you will have back are the shadows of what it once was.... And the shadows will bring you griev and pain... they'll rub in your face all you lost and you'll never have.... every minute you breathe. Missing what I once had... This is the story of my First Love, ( here ). I still miss it... After that little accident when I was 16... I'm not sure of who I AM. Or what I became. I am but a computer rat isolated in a room. Today earlier, the freedom was marvelous... Not having to worry about time, space, being loved, being rejected Not having to worrying if there's a Yuu waiting for me on the Muck, just to make hell of the little life I still have... It was delightful just being a child again, feel free, feel sheltered, trusting in a new life, in a new world... Delightful and precious... The sensation that 'it'll be all right' and not worrying about the following day.... Then, the awful fear of the reality hit me hard when we returned home. The years of life and the weight of the experience you acquire every day, even if these days sometimes seem empty and not at all productive... even the lonelyness and boredom are scars on your heart. It all hurts. Who am I? What do I WANT to be? I longed for years to feel that freedom again. Now that I tried it for 30 minutes, I am not so sure if I want that feeling again. First times are always the ones that'll cut the deeper wound and make the most sore scars. The pain is always worse in the innocent heart. The experienced heart already know how much it hurts... he'll will be expecting... he'll will take it better. I dont want to have the first pain again. I am a prision within myself, locked within walls named fear. (Thanks Yuu, Verona, Bira, Steven, Sean. I built the walls myself, but thanks for helping by donating some bricks. Unfortunatelly, I have no one strong enough to tear down the walls. Not even myself. If you are one of the people who actually LIKE me and care about me, consider yourself lucky I gave you a hole to spy through.) Current Mood: nostalgic (Teardrops?)
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
4:12 pm	Peace & Love, Inc Good news about Phoenix Muck. By the logs I have been saving PLUS an IP address (that I HAVE), my lawyer in the US can track people and legally file a case for me based on harrassment and disturbance of the individual's psychologic peace. Ah, threatening, too... even via internet, harrassment and threatening is against the law. Even threatens & harrassment of any sort via INTERNET is covered by the laws since 1998 or so!!! Don't you just LOVE having an International Lawyer + case going on? Don't you just LOVE having a whole Institute oferring to pay the lawyers for you? Don't you just LOVE to have nothing to do and buy Laws book to read, instead RPing? Listen, bastards (you know who you are). I had nothing better to do so I just arrived from the Embassy. I JUST filed this complaint in the USA Embassy. Another funny word towards me or my friends in this sense means you're FUCKED. Do remember I have NO scrupules, I need a surgery (whose money was found, but NO Americans donated!, even if it was in the US I did most of my volunteer job) and I am a greedy, capitalist son of a bitch. I WILL take your money without hesitation. And remember, an international Incident with a neutral ally NOW would be VERY BAD to your country. (as if things weren't already bad, as they currently are, in the eyes of the world that's called planet Earth, not Planet USA.) Now, if nothing else, the USA LAWYERS themselves will grant me my peace and freedom to RP and to post whatever I want in my journal. YAY!! Gotta LOVE to have an ex-boyfriend-best friend working INSIDE the International Relationships... Second Issue, good news. In twelve days I'll be moving to NZ. Please nevermind me if I don't show up to RP as I should. I am VERY excited and happy. And not really in the mood to RP as much lately. *goes for a nap* Current Mood: amused (Teardrops?)
Monday, March 31st, 2003
4:59 pm	Setting Up your Priorities Are you sure you have a life? When you have a life of your own, the last thing you do is to obcess over other people's lives. There are many people who believe I am 5 people on one of the the Mucks I play at, and with that, they think I have 20 alts who play among themselves. An IP tracker will sure prove these people wrong. I don't play 20 characters in just one muck. I don't have time nor nerve, besides, I have a LIFE. True - one day, LONG AGO, mucking WAS my life, but when it was so, there was nothing to overwheal me that badly. Noadays I have a life I am enjoying at it's fullest!, and all the Muck bullshit is not making me nervous and upset. I don't have TIME for this anymore! I don't care about what some people believe about me, simply because I am far away from the "lie over the Internet" fase. While I don't feel like lying over the 'net, it's a waste of time; I also don't feel I have to prove anything to anyone. So, if I say I have a surgery comming forth, I could scan all the medic paperwork. I don't do it, not because they do not exist. They DO. I don't scan because I don't have to prove anything to anyone. We have a quote that says, "if you are not enough to someone, this person will never be enough to you either", and that is true. I don't have to spend my precious time on some people who thinks so little of me. I don't need to waste my time. I have my priorities, and Muck is NOT one of them. I muck because I sometimes feel bored, but I was invited to play at a muck where a friend of mine is Wiz. (the Muck I gave away because I wouldn't have time to take care of it anymore.) So, it's not like I am dying to play at Phoenix. I don't give a damn to play there, nor to certain players there. My priorities nowadays are the obvious priorities a normal person should have: Health, family and Job. I am moving to a place that is a good 25 hours FLIGHT from here. In fifteen days, counting today as one and the departure day also included. If skipping today, I have ONLY 14 days to pack and to spend with my family. I am lucky to have people who like me in this world. We don't get free flights to live abroad with most expenses paid everyday. I can't give out what is not mine and I was lucky to have gotten some donations (NONE from American people. I am not surprised.), to complement the money of my pages. (Some idiot once told me if I need money I should sell my computer and cancel my internet access. I can't cancell my internet access because it's my dad's, HE pays for it, not me. And I can't sell my computer, because physically, ALL I have from this computer is the case, the mouse, keyboards and the HD. Some people should ASK before spitting bullshit as fact they don't even know.) As soon as I arrive there, I will need a surgery, that I can, or NOT, survive (although I am optimistic about it, much for some people's despair). But just in case I do NOT survive, I am living my days with my family the BEST I can. And upon my survival, I will have a regular job, and then, REAL friends and my SO by my side, to spend my time with. These facts of my life, happening so fast, are taking ALL my time and nerve. And I am LOVING every second of it. Pettyness and hate mail on the muck seem a shallow escapism face the changes my life is suffering now. When my life finally settles, still, Mucking will be relegated to fifth or sixth options, WHEN and IF I have spare time. Real life is so much better, specially when you're living with people who loves you. A movie by your friends' side, even the movie you saw 14 times, is far more pleasant than a night receiving bad page mails on the muck. Only a Masochist spends time on an unpleasant and uncaring virtual enviroment with fucking bastards that give you a hard time as company. And I am NOT masochist. I like myself far better than that. My priorities are my peace of mind and amusement. Life is too frail and too short to spend stalking and badmouthing people; only who doesn't really have a life would spend days online doing this sort of thing. And now that I am done with one more bit of page, I'll go lay down for a nap, and after that, cook myself and my sisters a delicious dinner. Then, I'll come online to get the job of tomorrow, and start said job, and talk to a friend, watch a movie, and maybe RP, if I have nerve. And write some more on my journal because I really enjoy writting on my journal! Life can be fun. But more than this, when it's up of YOUR decisions, life can be what you want it to be. You can choose, too, your priorities. I just pity people whose priority is to try and make other people's life a hell, when there is so much more enjoyable things to do in life. PS: Hey, stop sending hate mails to people and get a life. Get a life INDEED. Give yourself a chance - it's more rewarding to give love than hatred. "If you have something bad to say about a person, send someone you love an e-card instead!" (quote of one of my webpages) Current Mood: amused (Teardrops?)
Saturday, March 29th, 2003
5:04 pm	McHug I kinda hate the human being's atttitudes sometimes. The human being won't hesitate in judging and mistreating what they don't understand. If someone is accused of a crime, people will simply judge it - be the person innocent or not. They'll make a scandal, shame the person, point fngers, mistreat the others and judge what they dont understand. And if it's proven the person is innocent, they won't even apologize. The moral and psychologic harm will remain. The human being who insults and judges is unable to apologize. It's easier to point fingers and judge than see your own mistakes and humiliate yourself for an apology. I don't criticise people for their choices. I am the only gay that supports some of the Nazi rules in the world, I guess, but just because I agree with some of the Nazi rules, it doesn't make of me a Jew Killer, or a Hitler lover. For most people, a Nazi will kill a Jew, kick a Negro, arrest Gays, and make love with Hitler's corpse. They don't even give themselves the trouble of READING A BOOK before pointing fingers and judging people poorly. And amazingly so, that is not true at all. But who cares? Look at people like Yuu... or like Kashino Rei/Daryun. They are the typical example of creatures who believe in rumors instead of simply research, question, investigate. Yuu goes far deeper than this. he induces people to believe his rumors, to absorb his prejudices, and threatens who doesn't do so. I remember going yesterday on McDonalds with my younger sister, and there was a comotion with cops and everything. A woman called a negro kid... negro. Heh. Insult would be call a white person a Negro or call a negro "White skinned". As it is, the woman was only stating the obvious. So far, so good. The BIG mistake of the woman was to add less qualified adjectives (such as those Yuu refers to my person) ALONG with the obvious colour of the person's skin. I mean, call a negro "negro", is stating the obvious. Call a person "disgusting bastard, dirty and filthy son of a bitch" is bad, and it sure won't matter the color of your skin. A negro son of a bitch is as bad as a white son of a bitch, and it's simple like that. Everybody on that McDonalds knows me. They know I am a gay tanned little Nazi supportive. Why I am not beat or heavily criticised, as that woman is? Why hey don't call the cops on me, but I get hugs, smiles and greetings when I am there? BECAUSE I DON'T JUDGE. I RESPECT. Because I don't call people names, unless they call me names first. I don't hit anyone if not for self defense. The cutest thing was when, to ease the commotion there, the manager of the McDonalds called her negro employee, and we hugged. Yes, the little nazi bastard hugging a Negro. I left the store with a smile, I left the employee with a smile, and left behind MANY smiles from customers and staffers, proving two things. Not every Nazi is a potential killer, and not every negro is a dirty filthy whatever they call. It doesn't MATTER the color of your skin. What matters is the color of your SOUL. There's a fine line between prejudice and preference. That woman on the store broke this live brutally and vulgarly. And here between us, if I want a bear hug, I look for Negroes. They are better to hug. They hug TIGHT. And in the countries where their ancestors were slaves, they learned to VALUE the need of their hugs. I wish the Negroes felt proud for being our best singers, our best Jazzists, our best Hug-mates, they are more resistant to the sun, they also LIVE more and work harder than the vast majority of the white ones. They have reasons to be proud of their skin color, their origins. I wish others would stop judging people based on their religions, skin color, sexual preference, profession, money (having money doesn't make you more polite, but makes you more snobbish), or their laws of their own lives. Everybody has problems, the rich, the poor, the negro, white, yellow, straight, gay, atheist, christian, nazist, Napoleonics, Druids, Wiccans, americans, Japanese. But if instead of judging we tried to understand others and be a little more tolerant - or at least, respectful - we would have less and less Yuu's and people like that woman in life, in our days. The woman didn't need to pet the negro girl. The little girl was in line, as everybody else. She wanted to eat, as everybody else. She wasn't there begging for that woman's love. But, that woman should learn respect towards a fellow human being. If the girl was bothering, (she wasn't), she could have simply moved away from the line. Or told the girl to stop (if she were screaming or jumping and smacking people about... what she WAS NOT doing.) There are ways to ask people things. It's either, "please, do you mind to stop this?", or "Stop this shit, motherfucker, or you'll regret the day you're born". I do, too, think that everyone should have a place to belong to. And since people are free to choose, if they choose to belong to a place, I think they should abide and embrace the tradictions, and language, and habits (sp) of that place. I think Jews need their Israel, Germans need their Germany, and Americans should leave Iraq alone and be at their own place. But, if a native of the other tribes or countries want to be embraced on the other tribe or country, they should learn to live with THEM, and not force the natives to adapt to what theiy want. Every country has their strenght and their weakenesses, none is better or worse. People should respect that. Here I am, waiting for a Visa to step abroad, yet to another country. Will I adapt? I don't know yet, but I will sure try. if the country i chose for living accepts me, I will embrace their life-rules, habits, tradictions. I am not supporting Sadam Hussein. Realistically, the man IS a motherfucker. He is mean, and all that. But, I cannot tell. I don't KNOW him nor his reasons, so I don't judge. I don't support, but I don't defend; I stay neutral. I don't support USA either. I LIVED in the US and by any chance, I just met fuckers, mercenaies, selfish people unable to give without expecting something in return - be it a dollar, or a night in bed. But I like to think I was just misfortunate during my years there, and I like to think that I DID meet, online or not, good Americans. Not a whole population is mean, someone MUST be good in the jungle called population of a country. However, it's not my war. And as it's not my war, and I would HATE to have my home blasted because some idiot named President said so, I know other people thinks pretty much the same. Civilians are dying as the stupid presidents who wants the war keep safe at home walking their dogs and planning the next attack. I think someone should grab both Bush and Hussein, lock them in a room and let them kill themselves. And bear the consequences. THEY wanted war. Not US. Not the civilians, or most of the soldiers. They should have to decide these things on their own and leave the others out of this. And, unfortunatelly, I could say the same of Hitler. He went bonkers. He should have decided the things between him and the Chief of the Jew Cousil (sp) instead killing people. THAT was his damnation... his Big Mistake. Did you know most of the SS soldiers disagreed with the Jew mass murder, and they simply executed orders not to die, too?? I bet not. No one investigates, no one TALKS with the SS members survivors (how lucky I was to have a couple in the family, to ask them...). No one reads a book. If that woman stops cussing at a little girl in line just because of her skin color; If people start reading more, investigating more, "seeing for themselves" instead of judging other people just because they are different; If people start practicing more respect and tolerance instead simply cuss, banish, accuse, judge and cast out... Maybe we won't need MORE wars. But it's easier to judge, it's more fun to cause a commotion, it's more adrenalitic to start a war - inside your home, your city, your state, your country. People always go for the easier and more amusing, and blast the 'right or wrong' concepts, fuck what is fair or not. I KNOW I am not alone - like me, many doesn't judge, many respects, many praises the differences, as differences makes our world more rich and colorful! But I also know we will die trying to bring peace and respect to the world. I know I fight for a lost cause - we are a couple hundreds against a couple billions. But it doesn't mean I won't stop trying - even if only within my small circle of friends. Erik Current Mood: calm (Teardrops?)
Thursday, March 20th, 2003
5:50 pm	Relief, anxiety Today.... Finally, Michelle is gone. I did appreciate their stay, except when they replaced me for Morganna in the cool rides about. I did appreciate that Rodrigo hardly spoke to me except to ask for fve minutes using the computer, what I agreed. I also thought funny. Rodrigo held my hand for a brief moment on his first day, and after that, the 23 years old man shoved me brutally to stay and blatantly flirt with my 11 years old sister. And my sister returned it fully. And they kissed and all that, what comes to prove it's not the family who is fucked up (my parents TRY to keep her pure, and giving her toys, having her play with other kids to remain 'child' a little more), but it's a problem of the childhood itself. The other kids are far more perverted and they DO lay around, what is kind of weird. But I just shrug. it's my sister, a living being with full capability of choosing her own way. It's not me and it's not my problem, I could care less. My relief comes from the fact that I tried to be close to Rodrigo to hide the attraction I felt for my cousin's husband. I ran away everytime he smiled, or just sulked somewhere. I don't know why. Yes, he is handsome and charming. I love the way he blushes. He is caring, sweet, and so fucking MANLY. It's obviously not fair with my cousin. So I ran, and hid, as usual. I am not good in conquering people's hearts; even my stupid 11 years old sister got what I can't. Also, there is the prejudice and family pressure towards me because I am a gay man. "Too cute to be a man", "soft baby face", but I am still a man, and that doesn't please anyone. Or maybe I envy what Michelle HAS? A big tall man to hold her tenderly, to fuck her silly, to let her suck that huge shaft before making passionate love? A gorgeous man to take you to places and be more handsome and more tender than the other people's men? I wonder. I just know I am very relieved. No more a world of constant temptations and agony. I should live within a bubble. Otto Current Mood: relieved (Teardrops?)
Saturday, March 15th, 2003
4:18 pm	Lifeless... Some dreams are simply not meant to be. Now, it is for me to know if my Visa won't be approved either. The way God loves me, I BET it won't. Otto Current Mood: depressed (Teardrops?)
11:25 am	The Worse Pain... The worse pain in the world is to have a high level of adrenaline you CANNOT control by medication (I guess everybody knows I have high level of adrenaline that makes my body hyper active to the point of colvulsion or, in the other extreme, leads to a total paralisy?), I have no excercises I could do available, no escape vault (a roller coaster would do), the Fucking huge psychologic pressure comming from the family and all around you.... ...And NO Fucking One to give you a hug for relief. Otto Current Mood: anxious (Teardrops?)
Thursday, March 13th, 2003
11:38 pm	Yesterday & Today Since yesterday i have been trying to update my journal... with little success. But today the server seem to be working, so... Yesterday we went to parkshopping. I simply couldn't have classes so i had to take it off. Too much stress. At afternoon we went to Parkshopping... Rodrigo shoved me away brutally. heh. I was not surprised, who would want to touch a sort like me... Still, we had fun. We went to the Hot Zone rides, played a lot, had dinner. Today we returned there. We wanted to have the Quiz!!!! And we all won stuffed animals except by Michelle and Aldomir who didn't want to play. We went to the store where I bought more tank tops. I seem to be running out of simple tops a lot lately. We played more on Hot Zone (Arcade), and this time we had McDonalds. We plan to go to Ita Park. I didn't want to spend Ludwig's money on it... but I don't mind spending other people's! I kind of envy the relationship Michelle has with her husband. I feel LONELY, even if I had moments of joy... I think of Ludwig ALL the time.... Otto Current Mood: melancholy (Teardrops?)
Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
1:16 am	Too stressed Sometimes I wish I could SCREAM. Rodrigo is here, and it tempts me to no-end. While I wish I would stay with him, at the same time I remain faithful to Ludwig. It's an awful inner fight. I hold his hand, and he holds mine, but first of, it has to be away from my parents, and the rest of the family (it's no news I am their shame source); and second, I never go beyond holding hands... He was wanting me too in Rio and didn't do anything because Ludwig was there... how cute of him to consider me this way. STILL, I remain faithful. Temptation. Is it God testing me? I have to do everything to deserve all the care and effort Ludwig is putting on me, and this simple thought makes me strong. The reason for my bigger stress is the driving. While I love driving, the gears shift and control is beyond me. Sometimes I want to park the car and scream, "I can't, I Can't, I CAN'T!!!!" And I can't. -_- I can't control the shift on my way up hills, and stop the car, and prevent it to go all the way down. I HATE to reduce gears (no one does that) before stopping for the lights or pedestrians (most people simply BREAK the fucking car.) This week is a nightmare. I need, NEED this week to pass quickly. I can't stand this anxiety anymore. I need hug and shelter. And no one has any of this for me... and whoever has, is miles away... Grrrr.... *cries.* Otto Current Mood: stressed (Teardrops?)
Monday, March 10th, 2003
12:49 am	The Unfairness I am so tired. Yesterday I developped Ludwig's Mistery some more. It was good for me, and hopefully for Ludwig too. I count the days to get my Visa. Meanwhile, I found out it was Arslan that screwed up against me and poisoned Daryun's mind. You can read all the muck developments if you'd like. I wonder what leads people to be so possessive towards other people, as if they were mere objects. Meanwhile, I couldn't sleep. My dad owed me money, but I got very upset. Everytime I see him sad, down, because of lack of money, if I have it I go for him and ask, "Here, dad, I'll pay the bill, I'll let you borrow." But everytime he has to pay, he leaves paying me for the very last minute, and when and IF he pays me, it's not without a earful!! But NOT this time. First, he bought mom a $300 bucks freezer that she doesnt need. Yes, she needs a new FRIDGE, but not that huge freezer. Second, he bought the kid a cell phone for $200 bucks, after I have told the kid she could have mine - I won't need it when travelling. Then, after spending even with his DOGS - he threatened not to pay me. So I called him for a talk. Man to man. And he went bersek when I told him he ignores that I need my money to take care of my health, because while THEY don't give a damn about me dying with a cancer, I don't want to die yet!! So, if it's for my health, why eve the dog can have money before me? To a most detailed version of this post, click HERE, but be ready for cussing. He didn't LIKE the question - nor the discussion. I loved it tho. Not everyday I have the chance to tell him exactly what I feel. And for the whole neighbohood. And YES, I got paid. Otto Current Mood: disappointed (Teardrops?)
Saturday, March 8th, 2003
9:03 pm	Through the eyes of a Drunkard Dad saw me gloomy over this shit that happened in the muck... and miraculously invited me out with the family. (For those who are unaware, the family is very ashamed of me. I am a Boorgia, from a poud and tradictional family... but since I am gay, I am the shame of the family...) He even paid me a drink. And I drunk. And got drunk. I had forgotten how beautiful the world is when I am drunk... The lights are brighter, the sounds are louder, the senses are enhanced. There was a singer on the band playing at night... I desired him so much. I hate the population for being so heterossexual. I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to take the little boy and fuck with a passion in the bathroom. And then I gloomed, because if my boyfriend was with me, he would probably have done at least a serious fondling to ease my aching hunger. And I gloomed some more, because I felt guilty for desiring someone whose face I hardly could see, while my poor boyfriend is killing himself at work to pay for my surgery. Then I gloomed even more, feeling guilty for being so horny. And then I gloomed MORE STILL, because Daryun never wanted to ravish my Narsus. That was on Thursday. Today is Saturday... and I am, again, slightly drunk. I WANT to drink. Now I know I can stop anytime I want, as I proved to illian, when we made a pact long ago (I would quit drinking and she would quit smoking). I need to cook too. I drink, play with my dog, and GLOOM before the computer. And fuck what the doctors say about drinking and surgery. My days are so boring. Thanks, Daryun, for making this to me, when all I wanted was to be friends with you. Thanks for turning me down, turning me off, for the only source of joy a sick man can have. If I could, at least, find a rough male lover to muck with - someone who is rough, wild, and likes adventures, play with the friends... *sighs* *Goes to get another drink.* Otto Current Mood: depressed (Teardrops?)